Dan and I haven’t discussed this, but its something that has been very much on my mind…
One of the may reasons that I loved running was because it was mine and mine alone.
I am a big believer that no matter how close you are with your spouse, you each deserve to have a hobby that is uniquely yours. That defines you not as something that you and your guy do, but something that belongs to you.
For me, it was always running.
If you’re a new reader, you may not know but my husband Dan and I are together a lot. We’re business partners and life partners. And sometimes those lines get blurred, things can get complicated.
Running was my way to make it less complicated. I knew it was time to myself, something that I knew more about than Dan and something I was better at than him. I cherished it, held it close to my heart and deep inside I hoped he would never want to become a runner. Running was mine, not his.
Does that sound terrible?
Don’t worry, he has golf. Though I’ve always wanted to learn to play, I also respected that golf is his hobby with his best friend. I didn’t (and don’t) want to impose on his time.
But then something changed…
It started when he came to support me at a trail race in North Carolina. As soon as I was done and he had snapped one final picture, he mentioned that trail running looked interesting and mentioned he might want to try the next one I registered for.
I won’t lie… I laughed a little thinking about the rude awakening he was in for. Trail running is hard, and for an untrained runner, near impossible. But I also thought it would be fun to compete and show him how strong of a runner I was.
I figured he would hate it as much as he despised road running and be done with it.
Just Testing The Waters
Dan’s first trail run, he did awesome. I still finished about 5 minutes faster, but that was a lot less than I had anticipated.
It wasn’t until this moment when I started to grow concerned…
What if he actually starts to run more? Will he steal my thunder? Will he make my running accomplishments feel less because he grows to be so much better? Will I lose my confidence as a runner? Am I willing to share MY hobby?
Yes and no to all of these…
Having A Spouse That Improves Faster
Dan has always been a natural athlete. His tall, lean body and long legs makes him almost a natural on the trails. His northern upbringing has left him with a walk that has always been 2 times faster than my southern, slow style.
By our second race, we finished side by side. And he argues to this day that that is only because he chose to stay with me.
It kills me to think that I have worked at this sport for YEARS to get the speed, stamina and confidence built up that I do. And Dan can work at running for a few weeks and run equally as strong.
For this reason, yes there were times when my own confidence was tested. A little jealousy even arose.
But then something happened…
Learning To Share A Hobby
I realized that even with the hangups, I was proud of him. I loved waking up together for a race and going through the prep work together. I loved walking up to the starting line together and giving one another a good luck peck right before the horn blew. I loved when Dan would ask me training questions, really respecting my knowledge on the sport.
I realized, I loved sharing this hobby.
I also learned that it is possible to have the same hobby, yet keep it separate for one another.
Case and point…
Dan and I don’t often run together. And if we do, its extremely rare we run side by side (it makes those rare occasions more fun!). We’ll often run separate directions, crossing paths in the middle of our run and meeting again at the finish. We allow each other to train in our own way, and we don’t criticize.
Running has always been a tool for me to connect with my friends, and I was worried with our 50K training that Dan would want me to skip runs with friends in order to run with him. Not the case at all.
We consult each other, we share our runs, we research paths and trails but we keep it unique for us.
And perhaps the biggest thing that has changed…
I feel as if sharing this love has actually decreased our competitive nature. I feel as if we’re more of a team than ever.
I’ve accepted the fact that Dan is freaking awesome at inclines, he’s accepted the fact that I’m better at the straights. Together we can push each other and instead of competing, actually support.
Rules For Sharing A Hobby
Here are a few of the things I’ve learned over the past 12 months of sharing my hobby with my husband.
- Share your thoughts. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that Dan came clean that he preferred to run without me. As soon as he said it I felt as if a weight had been lifted off of me. I agreed completely and moved on. Just like with the rest of your relationship, communication is key. Be real, be honest.
- Share the hobby, but keep it yours. Even though you might be into to the same thing, doesn’t mean you have to do it the same. Respect each other’s methods. Continue doing it the same way before. Before Dan started running, I ran with friends. I’m not going to give that up. Also, I am a morning runner, Dan is a mid afternoon runner. So that’s the way it is.
- Support and help each other. Two minds are better than one! Share training tips, gear reviews, etc with each other. It’s fun to talk about and you get to improve together! Dan is so proud of himself for finding my new trail shoes, and we love sharing what is on our training plan each day.
- It’s not a competition. This takes the longest time to learn. Dan didn’t start trail running so he could compete with me. He did it because he enjoyed the adventure. Push out the competitive feelings and enjoy the experience. There will one day come a day when we can run these mountains, and I don’t want to look back and think of how stressed I got because I was competing against my husband. I want to look back at it and the times we experienced them together.
- He’s not trying to steal “your thing”. Feel honored that he wants to do what you love. Some women wish their guys would do more things with them! I’m blessed that we share so many passions. Dan’s happy too!
